Squall the Love Doctor
by EmeraldMage
Summary: This was totally senseless. I was bored... again. No flames!! Anyway, everybody goes to Squall for love advice... does he give them the correct information? Please R/R!! Squinoa hints, of course. Thanks, no flames.


Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII, Squaresoft does

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII, Squaresoft does.

A/N: An attempt at humor, no flames. Squall is just sitting in his dorm one day when people start asking him random questions about relationships! Squall has become.... The Love Doctor! Squinoa hints. 

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Squall the Love Doctor

A Senseless Fic

One day Squall thought he would just sit in his dorm and wait for Rinoa to get back from shopping. He had just gotten finished with a whole stack of paper work and definitely was tired! I started to go to sleep, but there was a knock on the door... Hmm... Who could it be?

"Who is it?" Squall asked groggily.

"Irvine." 

"...Come in.," he said. Irvine walked in and closed the door behind him. 

"Hey, uh, since you and Rinoa are hitting it off, could you give me some tips?" 

"What?! I thought _you _were the one who was the 'ladies man'."

"SHHHH! Keep it down! I can't let people know that I'm seeing _you _for tips!" Irvine hissed quietly.

"...."

"Anyway, I am stuck between Quistis, Selphie, Rino-"

"Touch Rinoa and I'll cut off something that is very important to you!"

"...Okay!" Irvine squeaked and forgot about Rinoa.

"Okay, Quistis, Selphie, and Xu."

"Xu?! EWW!" 

"Shut up! I don't see anything better about Rino-AHHHH!!! NO!!!!" Squall had his gunblade pointed right to Irvine's 'hem', since it was the most important thing to a man and to people like Irvine. People like Irvine would use it often.

"Sorry! But can you help me?!" Irvine pleaded.

"Why me, can't you get Zell or Seifer?" 

"Nah, Zell is after Selphie and Seifer is after Quistis."

"....Really? Then I guess go with Xu..." 

"REALLY!? Thanks buddy!" 

"Uh... sure..." Irvine walks out and leaves the door open. Xu walks by and Irvine starts flirting with her.

"Fancy seeing you here fine lady." He said and then put his arm around her. "So like, why don't we go to your dorm and get to know each other." 

"HELL NO KINNEAS!" Xu yelled and kicked him where the sun don't shine. Irvine's eyes bulged and Squall winced. 

"Hmph! Serves you right for fooling with me!" Xu said and walked off. Irvine slowly walked in the direction of the Infirmary. Squall closed the door and laid down again.

Squall was just about to get to sleep when.... 'KNOCK-KNOCK'! Squall stumbled out of bed and answered the door. There stood... Selphie? Selphie had a problem? That's a shock. 

"What?" Squall asked.

"Uh, can I come in and talk to you?" Selphie asked.

"....Yeah....I guess." Squall said. Selphie walked in and closed the door. 

"Okay, well, you see, I'm here to see you since you and Rinoa are doing sooo sooo well together!" Selphie said.

"....Why me?" Squall said quietly to himself. 

"Huh?" Selphie asked.

"Nothing... Now what do you want?" 

"Well... I hear that both Irvy and Zell are after me. Can you tell me what to do?"

"...Uh...Pick one?" 

"It's not that easy silly!" 

"...."

"Okay, Zell offered a date on the same day that Irvy did, but I accepted both because I wasn't thinking! What do I do?!" 

"...Uh... Well I would just have a threesome."

"WHAT?!"

"NO! Not that way!" 

"Oh, you mean a three way date type thing?"

"Yeah... then choose." 

"You think it will work?"

"...You're talking to me... I'm not an expert."

"Thanks Squall! I'm sure it will work!" Selphie walked out and was greeted by Irvine, with and ice pack over his 'hem', _and _Zell! OH MY! They looked at each other and then Selphie. Squall closed his door because he knew what was coming. He was right, next he heard a few yells and then a boom. Zell had punched poor Irvy out. I guess his martial arts training came in handy. Irvine got up and went to Dr. Kadowaki's... again. Squall sighed and laid back down again.

Not five minutes later, another damn knock was at the door... Squall shot up and was very, very annoyed. He got up and swung the door open to see... Zell?

"Hey, 'Sup Squall!" Zell said. "Uh, do you think that Selphie will choose me?"

"Yeah, bye." Squall said and slammed the door in Zell's face, but Zell was too close and, uh, the door slammed into his face. Squall heard a loud CRACK! 

"OWWWW SON-OF-A-BITCH! WHAT THE--SHIT!" Is all that Squall could hear. Then he heard Zell run away... He sat back down, since he really didn't care and... yes, you guessed it, another knock!

"WHAT?!" Squall asked.

"Uh, Squall?" Quistis said from the other side of the door. 

"What?!"

"Can I come in?"

"Why not? Everybody else has come in." 

"Good! You see, I have a problem." She said coming in. "I can't choose between Seifer or Nida..."

"N-NIDA?! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" A loud WACK was heard. "OW!"

"Don't make fun of Nidey-poo!"

"...."

"Now, who do you think I should choose?"

"Well, since I saw Nida walking around in my office with a skirt on... wait... Seifer WAS walking around in a pink thong with Selphie's bra on... I can't think who's thong it might have been..."

"So _that's _where it is!" Quistis said.

".....!"

"Anyway, who?"

"Nida."

"Sure?"

"Yes..."

"Really sure?" 

"Yes...!"

"REALLY, REALLY SURE?!" 

"YES, NOW LEAVE!" 

"Okay." Quistis said and got up. Squall sat down and, wow your getting good, another knock came. This time, Squall just yelled at the door.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!?!" 

"....Damn puberty boy!" 

__

"What the hell does, HE want?" Squall thought, now knowing who it was.

"Let me in!" 

"Fine." Squall said and opened the door. Seifer rushed in and closed the door quickly behind him.

"Now no one can know that I am consulting you for a love problem...!" 

"WHAT?! I feel deja here!" Squall yelled. 

"Shut up!" Seifer hissed. 

"You are acting like Irvine..." 

"Don't ever compare me to HIM!" Seifer yelled. 

"What do you want? I want to go to sleep! And why is everyone coming to me for their love problems?"

"...Uh, Selphie told everyone."

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah, anyway, I want a date with Quistis, but I don't think that my d—"

"OKAY! I'm closed, just ask her out you should be fine, good bye!"

"But I didn't-"

"Yes, you will do fine! Just fine!" Squall yelled and closed the door. He laid on the bed and then heard the door open softly. Rinoa walked in and saw the sleeping Squall on the bed. How did he fall to sleep so fast? He just finished being the Love Doctor!

A/N: I bet you thought that sucked... Oh well, no flames, pleeeassssseeeee! I just slapped this together in less than an hour, so be nice! Thanks, I hope you liked it! Please R/R! No flames! 

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